Warning!

I was writing on Facebook this morning about the pigeons in the underground car park in our apartment block. There were notices up on Thursday saying: "WARNING: A pigeon shoot is taking place today – please be aware". This troubled me somewhat. There are great troops of pigeons living in the car park – have been for some time, and they appear to be on the increase. They're a nuisance because they shit all over my car (and everyone else's), especially when I've just had it cleaned. It's funny how they seem to know that – they must see a nice, shiny clean car and think: 'Ha! A new target.'

They not only shit on cars, but also down the walls, over the metal air-ducts that line the ceiling, across the water pipes, and on the floor. The whole place stinks of pigeon shit – yes, they're a damned nuisance all right. But shoot them? Seems a bit drastic, and rather barbaric. What I do, whenever I go down to get into my car, is growl at them. There are usually two or three of them sitting on one of the air ducts, or perhaps lined up by the wall (oops, that's silly of them – well at least they're not blindfolded and smoking a last cigarette), and of course they always give me that stupid 'look' that pigeons give. Twitching their little necks and bobbing their silly heads backwards and forwards – sometimes tilting the said head to one side to cast me a quizzical glance.

I couldn't harm them, so I growl at them in an attempt to demonstrate to them that something nasty might happen to them should they dare to come any closer to my car. They seem to take notice, and begin shifting from one scaly foot to the other as if they're not quite sure whether to take me seriously, or to take flight. I give them several long, low, rumbling, bastard-dog type growls which they certainly do take notice of because they always start shuffling around rather uncomfortably at that point. Then I give them a bit of a talking to, telling them that if they come near my car, they could suffer the consequences (an idle threat, I know, but hopefully they aren't aware of that). They appear to take this all in, judging by the look of focus on their faces, but of course I'm probably wasting my time because I then get into my car and drive it away, leaving them to think: "Well, the stupid man – how could we go near his car when he's driven it away?" By the time I return home, hours later, they will presumably have forgotten the whole incident and strangely, they're never there when I do. Otherwise, of course, I would remind them.

I quite enjoy our little chats, and it seems a more humane way of dealing with the situation than shooting them. I also thought that for some odd reason pigeons are protected, or that it is against the law to kill them. I'm not sure if this is true, but I don't fancy tackling the gunmen to find out; city centre living carries enough trauma as it is. There are a lot of students living in this block too – they make the most dreadful mess in the lift; often leave the remains of kebabs in the hall (both pre-eaten and post-eaten, if you catch my drift); and often run riotously up and down the corridors at 3:00 a.m. shouting their crazy young heads off. Hmm, look out for a new sign appearing shortly: "WARNING: A student shoot is taking place today – please be aware."

Now, that would be something, eh?