Morality Sucks

When I was sitting in the writing studio the other day, a hole appeared in the road outside. It was about the size of a large pizza but looked quite deep and would certainly have damaged a car (or pedestrian) if anyone had accidentally driven or fallen into it. There was much consternation, which was what made me look out of the window, and I even saw someone in a yellow jacket actually scratching his head as he peered in. Later, two Police Community Officers were sent to guard it (protecting the public, of course) so I took them out a cup of tea because it looked rather a boring job, standing by a hole in the road.

Later still, contractors came and discovered that the pizza-size cavity was just the start of it. Once they began to investigate, a great chasm as big as the Round Towers of Copenhagen opened up, and it was evident there was a honeycomb of dark caverns beneath the road. I began to fear for the stability of the building, but they assured me that we are safe. I didn't take those guys tea though because, well, frankly I couldn't be arsed.

What are these underground pockets of space meant to be? Is it mining subsidence, perhaps? Well, I think it's clearly the work of dwarves, mining for gold (how many dwarves, I can't be sure - perhaps seven?). This then reminded me of Rumpelstiltskin, who crashed his foot through the floor in a self-pitying fit of pique when the Queen finally discovered his name. Maybe he caused the hole in the road? I used to read the story of Rumpelstiltskin to my children when they were little. What a sorry tale of corruption, weakness and inverted morality it is too! We're all supposed to cheer for the Queen when she finally manages to discover the name of the strange little man who wants to take her baby away, and likewise we're supposed to feel gratified when he gets his "come-uppance". Well, let me tell you how it really is. It's quite long, but bear with me:

· Some lily-livered miller shakes in his boots when he's summoned to meet the King, thinking the King might chop off his head (when probably all the King wanted was to order a loaf of bread).
· Saying the first thing that comes into his silly empty head, the miller tells the King that his beautiful daughter can spin straw into gold.
· The King (interest now aroused) orders the miller to send his daughter to him. The miller, without a shred of concern for his daughter's welfare (what a great dad!), orders her to go to the castle that night.
· King orders girl to spin a pile of straw into gold, or face getting her head chopped off (how very reasonable and conciliatory).
· Girl cries, but is helped by Strange Little Man who really CAN spin straw into gold. His reward - a piece of her (presumably rather cheap) jewellery. Not much to ask for saving the girl's head.
· King gets greedy and so the next evening gives the same command. Girl cries again, but her neck is once more saved by SLM in return for her last piece of jewellery.
· King gets greedier still, but this time says that if the girl will spin the most humongous pile of straw into gold, then not only will he NOT chop off her head, but he'll marry her too (filthy old pervert).
· Girl cries again and, having no more jewellery to hand over, rashly promises that her first born child will be given to SLM. She clearly has no intention of keeping her promise.
· Girl marries King; Queen gives birth; SLM comes to claim his rightful reward (she did make a promise, after all).
· Queen reneges on her deal. SLM, instead of saying "You lying, cheating bastard", or calling his lawyer, agrees another deal with Queen – if she can guess his name, he'll give up his claim on the child.
· Queen uses her power, money and influence (not her intelligence) to learn the SLM's name. Basically, she uses the royal spy network to trick him into revealing it.
· Although he is enraged, Rumpelstiltskin (for yes, it is he) keeps his promise and agrees to give up his claim on the child. Doh!

So you see, although we are meant to be relieved for the Queen, the morality of this story is all wrong. It says that if you are weak and morally irresponsible towards your children (the miller); or if you are avaricious, unmerciful and a psychopath (the King); or if you are scheming, deceitful and untrustworthy (the Queen) – then that's okay, you win, and we all cheer. Hurrah! But if you are hard-working, honourable and your word is your bond (Rumpelstiltskin), then you lose, and you are despised.

And we read such stories to our children? No wonder the fabric of society is collapsing. Just like our road outside.