Watch Out!

Once, I was bitten on the arse by a rabbit. My daughter (about 10 years old at the time) had this evil feral monster which was masquerading as a pet rabbit, called Twitch. That particular lapin hated all human beings with a vengeance. Even trying to feed the damned thing was like engaging in armed combat – I needed a riot shield even to put my hand inside the cage to collect the bowl. Then, having filled the bowl with food, I needed a baton to fend off the beast before I could dare to put it back in. When I did, Twitch would pick it up and hurl it – complete with contents - at the side wall, and then stomp back 'upstairs' before turning to glower malevolently at me, as if accusing me of trying to poison her.

On summer days, we used to put her in a run on the lawn; it was meant to be a treat for her - a break from the monotony of caged life. She seemed peaceful enough during the day, but when the time came to put her back into the cage, she was hell to catch. Either she would bolt as soon as the run door was opened, and my goodness she was fast – she'd shoot through to next door's garden before you could blink – or she'd wedge herself into a corner saying: "Reach in and try to grab me, if you dare".

Sometimes the only way to prise her out was to get on hands and knees, crawl into the run (protected by the heaviest duty garden gloves I could find) and corner her. I did this many times, and there are still scars on my lower arms to prove it. But one time she shot past me, turned, and before I could engage reverse gear, sank her teeth into my arse. It had been a hot day and I was only wearing some flimsy shorts, so those incisors really hit the target. My shorts were ripped, as was my left cheek; there was blood everywhere. What a monster! Yet my daughter loved her.

Well, yesterday's evacuation of Nottingham was rather a half-hearted affair. A few businesses closed their doors citing health & safety reasons; some pubs posted doormen outside to warn the public away. Shock horror, even the Broadway was forced to close, leaving the city's artistic community totally bereft, and presumably unable to function. It all felt a bit like 28 Days Later with the streets deserted and tumbleweed rolling through Hockley. The water company admitted to being 'baffled' by the apparent leak (it wasn't the reservoir after all), and there was even a video clip on the internet showing water company officials staring down manholes looking 'baffled', as if they needed to convince us that they really didn't have a clue what was going on. I half expected to see them scratching their heads.

Panic and chaos in the city. How flimsy is the fabric of modern civilisation – almost as flimsy as my shorts were on that day when Twitch bit me. Yesterday, the rabbit of dependency bit a huge chunk out of society's arse. And so it should.