New For Old

There’s an article in today’s Telegraph that solves a problem I talked about yesterday. Apparently, all we need to do to avoid joining this country’s obesity epidemic, is to avoid fat people. For yes, the article says: “People are influenced by the weight of those around them without being aware of it, leading to a 'spiral of obesity', according to University of Warwick researchers”. It goes on to say that: “Men do not worry about being overweight as long as plenty of men around them are also overweight”. However, it’s the headline to the article which I find most astonishing: “Having Fat Friends Makes You Put On Weight”.

This is most extraordinary. Now, I’ve often been accused of being fat-ist in the past, but surely, headlines like these are going too far? Life is already a wobbling blancmange of anxiety as it is (in respect of whether we are mixing with the right people or not); we hardly need to identify even further minority groups which we can gleefully decorate with additional social stigma. Does this mean that if we wish to stay thin, we simply shun anyone who is heavier than us? Just imagine what this will do to the slimming industry – billions of pounds will be lost to the economy by the simple act of us eschewing individuals who might not fit through the same gap between seats that we can. This would create a very Swiftian society, don’t you think, with some of us enjoying the small end, and some of us the big? Will there be segregation on public transport, in restaurants, libraries and hospitals? Will fat people be required to give up their seats on buses?

I’ve written here before about my firm view that homosexuality is not a life choice, and I note that last night John Barrowman devoted a whole TV programme to trying to prove just that (however, although I only caught the final ten minutes, it seemed like a bit of an apologia to me – his presentation & delivery might have been more convincing, I think). So, can we now expect to see Dawn French making a similar programme in which she discovers that her only problem was that she hung around with Susie ‘Tubs’ Billington at school?

I have an idea. Worried that my face displays increasing signs of ageing, all I need to do is to hang around with young people and, hey presto, I'll look younger! The trouble is, what if this works the other way round, and all my young friends start to become old before their time, just because they hang around with me? Look out for the next Telegraph headline: “Having Old Friends Gives You Wrinkles”.

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