Farewell Jeremy!

Last night we said goodbye to another of Sarah's assistants. You may remember me telling you that just a short time after the unfortunate canal-swimming incident, Raoul left the company to become a lap-dancer in Barcelona. We're delighted to learn that he's doing very well for himself out there, and we wish him well. Now it is Jeremy's turn to leave us. Both boys (devastatingly handsome, as you know) were using assumed names and working 'undercover' as waiters in Edin's – now Jeremy has asked to leave the company so that he can pursue his career as a champion salsa dancer overseas. He leaves for Cuba in the morning, where we are certain that his fame will spread widely across the entire latin world. So last night in Edin's we celebrated Jeremy's departure with a party - complete with alcohol drinking, piano-playing and even an impromptu magic show. As a farewell gift, Sarah presented Jeremy wth a pair of beautiful snakeskin Cuban-heeled boots, their toes tipped with real diamonds and their heels covered in flashing silver. He was delighted. Good luck for the future Jeremy, we shall miss you.

As I write this, I learn that the tax-payers of this country are to inject a "mind-boggling amount of money" (John Humphries's words) into the banking system in an attempt to stem the haemorrhaging of the economy. It's impossible to predict where this will end – some economists are predicting a "total global meltdown". Hmm - this is a catchy phrase, but what does it mean? If the meltdown is truly total, then presumably when it's over, there'll be nothing left. And if there is nothing left, then where will it have gone? If all the money that is owed to the banks is gone, then anyone who owns money in the banks will lose that too. The banks will own the assets of their debtors, but as those assets will then be worthless, the banks will own nothing. Nobody will own anything; nobody will owe anything; nobody will be owed anything. This is a strange situation indeed. It would seem sensible, therefore, to allow this catastrophe to happen, and then to wipe the slate clean and start again (after all, the apes didn't hand down a banking system containing trillions & trillions of dollars to the human species – no, we must have started with a big fat zero at some point in our history, so why not let us do it again?). There, problem solved.

So we shouldn't worry about a global meltdown. If it does happen that we go down, then we all go down together, so what the hell, eh? We will have equality at last. Right, I must go and ring the Chancellor immediately - he's bound to be interested in my theory.