Dinosaurs R Us!

I read a startling report this morning. It states that researchers have found that women who drink even moderate amounts of alcohol develop a reduced ability to rate attractiveness in male faces, even when they have sobered up. What this means is that women are affected by the 'beer-goggle' syndrome for longer than are men. Extraordinary.

This rather distorts my theory about the so-called promiscuity amongst gay males. People have long since regurgitated the assertion that gay men behave like sexually-crazed rampant rabbits, compared with their heterosexual counterparts. It is thereby often claimed that homosexual men are somehow looser in their morality.

I've always asserted that this is codswallop. The simple fact is that all men - gay or straight - have the same biological instincts; a behavioural trait that is inherent in us all since primeval times. It's a man's job to scatter his seed as far and as wide as possible in order to propagate the species. As a foil to this, it is a woman's intrinsic job to protect the species; to be selective; to choose only those males who will strengthen the species. Therefore, when a man meets a woman, his instinct is to fuck. Unfortunately, because of woman's inbuilt selection defences, he often meets resistance. Ipso facto, when a gay man meets another gay man, there is often no such resistance – both have the same primitive urges after all – and so some kind of union ensues. It's not any more promiscuous or immoral for gay men to behave like this – it's just a question of mathematics and opportunity.

But now, this new reports says that women who drink (god forbid, what is the world coming to?) are less able to detect male facial symmetry, a marker of attractiveness and good genes, and therefore become less selective in their choice of a partner. Results have shown that the more alcohol a woman had drunk during the six months before a symmetry test was performed, the lower her performance in the test. The scientist who conducted these tests, Dr Kirsten Oinonen of Lakehead University in Canada, said: "My study suggests that women who drink alcohol are less able to perceive facial symmetry when sober. When sober, these women are worse at judging facial symmetry, and therefore may find less attractive men more attractive."

So, although a woman's instincts for natural selection can be temporarily waived whilst under the influence of alcohol, it would appear that her beer goggles stay in place for longer than they do on that minger she pulled in Revolution last night. As for him, his goggles disappear by morning and before she can say "Will you call me?", he's zipped up and gone – mission accomplished.

This is of some concern. If we believe the politicians – that the rise in female drunkenness is endemic – then, due to the subsequent fall in natural selection, our species is doomed. Ah-ha! So, we don't need the environment to fail; we don't need a nuclear holocaust; we don't even need Bird Flu. No, to ensure the demise of homo sapiens, all we really need is a few more crates of Vodka Redbull. Right, I'm off to call my stockbroker – shares in Smirnoff? Buy, buy!