Now you see it...

Well, here's a strange thing. Take a look at the picture on the right. What do you see? You probably see what I saw – it's a TV satellite dish, cleverly painted to blend in with its surroundings. But why would you think someone (anyone) should do this? Well it's obvious, of course – the owners of this particular dish, reluctant to despoil their bijous residence with such a chav-like eyesore as a common-or-garden satellite dish, have disguised it so that the elegant lines of their home are not besmirched.

Well you'd be wrong. What you see is a clever ruse employed by some (unidentified) intrepid Chinese person in an attempt to pull the wool over the eyes of the authorities. You see, satellite dishes are banned in China in order to prevent Chinese people from watching foreign TV channels. You know what the Beijing mandarins are like – they are shit scared that their people might see how the other half lives, and so might start grumbling that their own lives aren't quite so much fun. And so, as naive as the Bolsheviks used to be in believing that they can keep their population in a box, they attempt to prevent wanton images from bringing temptation. "If you don't want to know how the western world lives, look away now.

Although digital set-top boxes are available and gaining some popularity in China, they don't allow access to those channels unauthorised by the government. So, the only way to watch foreign TV is to get yourself a satellite dish. As many Chinese people are more interested in MTV than CNN, getting a satellite dish really is the only answer - it's not terribly difficult to get hold of one, even though most sites that market the goods are banned in China, but the main problem is keeping it hidden once you've got one. If your dish is discovered by the authorities, the firemen will come round as quickly as if they'd received a call from a kitten up a tree, to destroy it. So, methods such as those you see in the picture are used in an attempt to fool the authorities – and it's quite artistic, don't you think?

This has given me an idea. I need to disguise my fly-zapper because the pesky creatures have already sent word out to the fly population that I've entered (at last) the killing phase. I only have to reach for the device and the disease-ridden occupants of my apartment take note and immediately go into hiding. I'm not sure how they can sense the impending danger, when in reality they ought to be thinking that I'm only about to practise my tennis serve, but they seem to have sussed what the contraption is for, and immediately scarper. So, my plan now is to paint my zapper to resemble a rotting piece of meat perhaps, or maybe a huge dog turd, and then all I will have to do is stand still, holding it aloft, and they'll come running. Crackle, zap – job done!