Train Drivers Read Books

I was on a train yesterday and sitting opposite me was a youngish couple with a small boy. She clearly had a limited experience of train riding because, after we had left Nottingham station and were picking up speed, she asked her partner why the train was rocking so much (it seemed like normal rail motion to me). He replied that there was nothing unusual about it, and that it was just what trains did. "You don't think it's the driver wiggling the steering wheel then?" she asked. Laughing, he replied that trains don't have steering wheels. "What?" she seemed alarmed at this. "How does he keep going in a straight line then?"

I was closely watching her face (behind sunglasses) to see if she were perhaps taking the piss, but no – she seemed genuinely serious in her enquiry. "Well," he replied, "it's the tracks innit? The tracks. That's what keeps him in a straight line. Course it is." She thought about this for a moment and then asked if this meant that the driver didn't need to steer at all. He confirmed that they don't. "In fact," he said with full authority, "most of them read books while they're driving. The signals go green and they know they don't have to stop, so they read books. Train drivers read books."

Satisfied and reassured by this information, the young woman turned her attention towards remonstrating with her young son who was busily chewing on a book of matches. "No!" she chided. "Danger! Burn!" She continued, however, to look thoughtful – no doubt marvelling at the recent discovery that 'train drivers read books'; an occupation that she presumably considered even more of an achievement than keeping the train in a straight line.

Unfortunately, I had to alight the train at the next stop and so was denied the opportunity of witnessing any more of this young woman's elucidation. I'm still wondering what her reaction would have been to the tunnel at Redhill which was coming up next, after I left the train. I could imagine her perhaps asking: "How does the driver know when he has to go underground, then?"

I'm surprised that she has ever managed to work out that matches are dangerous when handled by young children. I was longing to tell her that on train journeys, a better distraction for children than a book of matches, is a book.