Here's Hoping!

Today's advice (in my 'feel good' calendar) is to "Think good thoughts; speak good words; and take good actions." This all sounds reasonable enough, and sensible advice, of course. The outcome (according to the calendar) is that these three steps will "bring more to me than I can ever imagine". Ooh, this is exciting stuff. If I stick to the rules, then presumably I'll get everything I want. A lottery win, perhaps? The perfect lover? My latest novel accepted by the best publisher in the land? I can't wait for these luxuriant riches to come rolling in, and I can only presume that this will begin to happen today.

Oh, hold on a minute - there's a slight snag with this. Let me look at the advice again. Think good thoughts; speak good words; and take good actions. Right, let's deal with the first one. I suppose the first task is to identify what good thoughts actually are. I somehow suspect that harbouring evil thoughts about the dreadful people whom one encounters in shopping malls is not a good start. But you know the sort of people I mean – the types who stop suddenly just as they step off the top of the escalator. Those who stand in narrow doorways having a chat with each other, or who walk very slowly - five abreast – right in front of you when you're in a real hurry. Then there's the fat woman who plonks herself in front of the very display you want to scrutinise, obscuring your view, and who refuses to make up her mind about whether she should select an item, or move on. And don't get me started on the foul-mouthed youths and youth-ettes who distribute their shabby litter with such indiscriminate carelessness all over the place.

Oops, I seem to have fallen at the first hurdle. These don't seem very much like "good" thoughts at all. Okay, so forget about the shoppers – let's start thinking about fields of kittens instead. Well, I doubt if that will work – thinking about fields of kittens is nice, but it's not necessarily good. No, I need to think about more honourable things such as forgiveness and compassion; love and harmony.

So what about speaking good words? This could be rather difficult really, because my plan for today is not to speak to anyone. No, no, don't misunderstand me – I'm not going to ignore people in the streets or anything like that. No, I was rather hoping to have a day all to myself so that I can attend to the many chores I have on the 'to do' list. These chores are crouched in the long, dark grasses, just waiting to pounce and tear my procrastination to shreds. So, I was not expecting to encounter anyone today, ensconced behind closed doors as I am, and therefore I do not expect to be speaking any words to anyone – neither good nor bad. But perhaps I am speaking to you, gentle reader, in this blog? If this is so, then let me just say to you now: I love you all! There, that should do it.

Now, what was the third piece of advice? Oh yes, take good actions. Hmm, well, there aren't any flies to kill (the recent snow seems to have killed those buggers off), so I'm fairly safe on that score. But am I correct in thinking that lighting another cigarette, or pouring another glass of Rioja, are bad actions? Oh dear – maybe I should get on with mopping the floor, and then take a visit to the gym. Those must be good actions, surely? Right then, that's what I shall do, just as soon as I've finished writing this. I'll also switch off my lights to save the environment, and make an on-line donation to the Haiti Rescue Fund. I might even wrap up some presents to send to my daughters. And do some meditation – why not?

Ooh, this is all good, and I think it's going to work. I shall be spending that lottery win very soon, and before you know it, I'll be taking my perfect lover along to the book-signing sessions for my latest novel. How simple this all is. But wait – don't I first have to buy a lottery ticket; become a perfect lover myself; and actually write that latest novel? There seems to be a flaw in this cunning plan.

Hmm, maybe tomorrow's calendar advice will tell me how I'm supposed to do all that. Damn it! Is nothing as straightforward as it seems....?