Listen To The Voice Of God

Oh god, I have been neglecting you of late, dear reader. I'm surprised any of you are still reading, more so because there isn't all that much to say really. I thought I'd have loads of free time once the festival was finished, but since then it's just been a mad social whirl and I can't even remember where I've been for the past week. Parties, parties, BBQs, more parties, work, meetings, dinners, theatre, more parties, cinema, more meetings, more parties. Oh, when will it all end?

Well not yet, that's for sure. I have a full agenda for the rest of this week and then on Saturday I'm doing a reading of my latest story 'How To Eat A Mango On A Building Site While Still Wearing Your Hard Hat' at the Lowdham Book Fair. I haven't even rehearsed the performance yet, and probably won't get time to do so (except in my sleep) which is a bad thing because presentation is everything in such matters. I don't even have a hard hat.

Now, to more serious matters. I understand that the scientists at CERN have found a way to listen to the sound made by whatever it is that their Large Hadron Collider produces whenever it collides whatever it does collide with whatever else. You can see that I fully understand the science of all this, can't you? Anyway, by capturing the sound, they will apparently be able to discover the 'harmonious noises' that are made at the moment the universe is created and from this, they will be able to identify the Higgs Bosun - the so-called 'God Particle'. This worries me slightly. Firstly, I'm not given absolute confidence that these boffins know what they're doing if all they need to discover the secrets of the universe is a pair of headphones. Aren't they supposed to have the most expensive and intricate measuring equipment known to physics for this purpose? Do they really need to listen for it?

Secondly, what are they hoping to hear that will convince them so assuredly of the presence of Higgs Bosun? Are they expecting a little squeaky voice to say: "Help - I am the tiny spark of All Creation and I am trapped inside the bosun of Higgs. If you release me, I will tell you everything..."? Hmm, it doesn't sound very plausible to me. Or perhaps they are hoping to hear the voice of god? That would give them a shock, wouldn't it? Imagine that - all the scientists are huddled around a little old radio, all sipping cups of Horlicks and all waiting expectantly for the emitted sounds of the 'particle'.... as they sit in silence, breathing heavily, they wait... one boffin nervously smooths her skirt, another straightens his tie, and yet another pushes his glasses back up his sweat-lined nose.

Then suddenly, amidst the static and hiss, comes the crackling sound of a tinny and distant disembodied voice: "So, earthlings, you have discovered how to tap into my private phone line have you? And you are hoping to discover the secret of the universe eh? Well let me tell you this, you snivelling little oiks, just exactly how this great universe of mine was created is none of your goddamned business. Now push off, the lot of you!"

Tee hee.

Well, I don't really have time to think about any of this. More parties to attend - tomorrow is the 'Midsummer Night's Dream' spectacle in the Great Ballroom of Nottingham's City Hall. Okay, so it's not exactly misdummer night, but apparently Oberon & Titania will be there to sprinkle some magic dust amongst us. Who knows? We might even learn the secret of life itself....