As if...

I went on an internet dating site once. I'm not sure what I was looking for, but I didn't find it. But what I found so amusing was that I saw lots of advertisements from people saying: "No time-wasters please". That's just about the most ridiculous thing you can put in one of those ads. As if anyone would take any notice? Can you picture the scene: there's someone sitting in front of their computer, browsing the Lonely Hearts Column. He sees an ad for someone he's quite interested in, and he's just about to fire off a reply saying: "Let's meet!" when something occurs to him....

... he suddenly remembers that he is not the type of person who is likely to follow through and he probably has no intention of ever meeting up. Oh no, he thinks, I'm a time-waster! I can't reply to this ad – it says so. It says "No time-wasters", so that counts me out. Oh bum! It just wouldn't happen would it? So why do people bother putting such a codicil into their ads at all? It's like putting a sign on your front door saying: "Please – no burglars". Yeah, I think I'll try it.

There's more to this. You could have cards printed to hand out to your friends and acquaintances saying: "Sorry, no gossiping about me behind my back" or "Please do not accept a drink from me unless you are prepared to buy me one in return". How hilarious would that be? It would be real fun to drive everywhere at 56 mph and have a sign in your rear window saying: "No overtaking". It would also be great to leave your car anywhere you chose in the city, with a sign on the dashboard urging the traffic wardens: "No parking tickets, please".

Or how about, when you're booking your travel arrangements, instead of writing in your dietary requirements for the airline, you could request: "Please do not seat me next to any lunatics, people with babies, or obnoxious children". Do you think they'll take any notice? Like hell they will.

Anyway, I can't sit here chatting all evening. I have work to do, and letters to write. I'm going to write to the Council because I've had an absolutely brilliant idea. I'm going to suggest to them that they have some signs made to put up in the street declaring: "No littering". Think it will work?