Did you know?

We're being over-researched, you know. Well I suppose you do know, because you will be all too aware of the endless reports that are published daily: "Research reveals that...." Only this week we've had research to reveal that dog owners really do look like their pets (which means that I look like nobody because I don't have a pet; although at one time I had three fish); we've had research to show that drinking scalding hot tea can give you cancer (then I must have it because I always drink tea straight from the pot); research that says that eating chocolate can make you clever (why then, did we always think the fat kids at school were stupid?); and now research that shows that having a sister makes you happier and more optimistic (well, I have two sisters so I should be over the moon - in fact, I am!).

I wonder why they think that we have this constant need to examine our lifestyle or background or upbringing or reading habits or whatever, and then be informed about what consequences those influences might bring to our lives? I can't imagine that our ancestors ever needed to have all this information to learn what being alive meant. I'm sure that they would already know – without some expensive and lengthy research being conducted by some mad boffins in Cambridge or wherever – that if they stood on a rake in the field it would either pierce their foot, or the handle would jump up to thump them in the face. I doubt if they needed a Mori poll, nor a series of laboratory experiments, to tell them that sufficient rainwater and sunshine would make their crops grow and feed them.

I'm going to establish my own research centre. I can't be bothered with scientific experiments, or polls, or tests, or modelling, or sampling, or any of that rubbish. I'm just going to publish my results and claim the credit. So, you can look out for the following headlines appearing in the weeks to come:

New research published today shows that:

• not shaving can increase beard growth
• holding a barbeque in a rainstorm can reduce the heat from the coals
• drinking too much alcohol can cause a slurring of the speech
• attempting to walk on water can result in drowning
• drinking too much alcohol can induce vomiting
• vacuuming daily may result in cleaner carpets
• boiling potatoes can make them more edible
• drinking too much alcohol can increase the number of besht friendsh (hic!) that you think you have
• taking the Eurostar to Paris might be quicker than flying
• drinking too much alcohol can reduce one's ability to detect ugliness in other people
• wearing clothes can reduce nakedness
• reading the latest research information can induce panic and confusion in the population

You see? My research centre will bring ground-breaking advice and guidance to the British public, and won't we be all the better for it? However, I must finish now because I've just read a headline that declared: "Writing blogs causes some people to neglect doing something else..." Hmm, I must read that article in full. It doesn't sound very well researched to me.