How Very Dare You?

I feel all bothered and ruffled. I had a bit of a spat this evening with a young man who called unexpectedly at the door of my apartment. He was a charming enough boy, but the message he came with was shocking beyond belief. He represented Nottingham City Council and asked me to enter my personal details onto the form he was brandishing. Failure to execute this simple act would, he told me, render me liable to a £1,000 fine.

What is this all about? I asked why my details were needed and he told me that it was for the ‘voting register’. Well, I informed him, I have two addresses and I am still registered to vote at my official residence which isn't this one, so I didn’t need to be included on his ‘voting register’, thank you very much.

“Do you live here?” he asked. “Yes,” I replied, “but this is not my official address. I have a vote in another district.” He seemed unable to understand this. “If you live here, you must sign this form or you will be fined one thousand pounds”. Tough talk indeed.

I asked him again why it was deemed necessary for me to sign this form and again he said it was for the ‘voting register’. He told me it is against the law not to sign. Against the law?!? I told him that by signing his form I would then be eligible for two votes. That is against the law, I told him. Universal suffrage does not extend to schizophrenia, I told him. What do you say to that, young man?

Deaf ears, is what he said. “You have to sign or you will be fined,” he insisted. “I don’t care if you have another address. You have to sign; it’s the law.”

“What the fuck happened to civil liberties?” I retorted. “Take your stupid little form and poke it! Do you think I pay two lots of council tax just so that you can come round here on a Saturday evening to harass me? Bugger off!”

Poor boy – he was only doing his job, and I’ve finally turned into a grumpy old man. I ain’t paying no fine of £1,000 from no Fascist council! So instead, I’m headed for jail.