By Jingo!

I was supposed to have been going away for three days over this previous weekend, but my poor father fell ill and we were forced to cancel. Apart from the obvious concern for his health, and the disappointment over a cancelled trip, I was in some way excited on Friday that I had three days of extra time stretching before me; three days which I could use to achieve almost anything. So what did I do? Almost nothing.

I appear to have been gripped by the heavy coils of some crushing lethargy. Any motivation I ever had has been dampened by an inexorable inertia so torpid that I feel as if I’m being drawn down into a dangerous quagmire. I am weakening whatever feeble grip on reality that I ever had. Perhaps it is time to withdraw from the world; to become invisible? Maybe I need a time for deep reflection; a time for self examination; a time for re-invention.

I drink too much, that’s for certain. Drinking too much - even if it is in balance with earning too much - is bad enough, but I haven’t been living by Mr Micawber’s maxim for a long time and, just as he predicted, the result is misery. So, if I were to draw up a list of New Year’s Resolutions (I could always pretend that June 3rd is the beginning of the ‘Year of the Non-Indolent’), I ought to put “Reduced intake of alcohol” at the top. Some would argue that “Doing more paid work” should feature in the prime spot, perhaps. Hmm, working for a living certainly has its appeal as a sensible use of time, but it’s also a terribly inconvenient intrusion into profligacy too, don’t you think?

And now my thoughts turn to the question that we should adopt in this country a “Britishness Day”. There’s some merit in this idea – or there would be if it weren’t currently being championed by Immigration Minister Liam Byrne. The fact that someone in immigration is so keen on this idea, immediately arouses my suspicion. There are some interesting arguments both for and against such a concept, but on balance I think it’s anathema. Why do we need such a day? Is it really, as Liam Byrne says, an opportunity to "celebrate what we like and love about living in this country"? I’m not so sure. I think that it’s either:

a) a rather shabby attempt to force immigrants to conform by giving them a jolly good street party with jellies and cakes, or
b) a reaction to a somewhat schoolboyish jealousy of other nations which have national days; a sort of “It’s not fair! Those Irish chappies have such a good time on St Patrick’s Day, we want some of the fun too!”

Either way, it’s not appropriate. Such a day would only further entrench jingoism amongst our already divisive society, and would do nothing to promote a true national unity.

However, if this idea does gain credence, then which day to choose for such a celebration? An obvious choice would be St George’s Day, but given that this has already been hijacked by tattooed yobs wearing English flags and red crosses painted on their ugly faces, I doubt if this would encourage much “Britishness” (incidentally, my spell-checker throws out the word “Britishness” and suggests “Brutishness” instead. Apt, perhaps?) Another option (suggested by a friend of mine) would be October 25th, St Crispin’s Day and the anniversary of the Battle of Agincourt, but this would hardly be conducive to Anglo-French relations, I think.

Liam Byrne has, of course, suggested August Bank Holiday. He describes this as the “Great British Weekend” and therefore entirely appropriate for a celebration of this nature. Come off it, Liam – you’re just a horrid meanie and you don’t want to give the poor British worker an additional Bank Holiday, that’s all. If we are to indulge in this kind of unwelcome xenophobia, then please do so by giving we hard British workers an extra day off.

Hard British worker? Moi? Shome mishtake, shurely? Right, it’s back to the list, immediately.