Disintegration

Oh, I’m getting so tired of it all. I was in Edin’s on Tuesday night and we had another great sing-song around the piano and okay, it was a fun night (ostensibly, I went there for “just one drink” and ended up staying for hours - again!), but I badly need a change of scenery. Last night I was at the Studio for a committee meeting where we had many weighty matters to discuss (not least the budget, which is my responsibility) and as I walked home, I felt somewhat drained. I thought of popping into Edin’s for a quickie because I knew there were people in there who would welcome me, but I felt that I’d simply run out of steam and so sensibly, I walked on. This might have been a mistake because today, I start a course of mega-strong antibiotics which absolutely forbid any alcohol (it’s apparently the only one that does – it’s Metronidazole and it’s nasty) so perhaps last night I should have gone out on a high and had a final celebratory drink, but there we are....

I’m a bit annoyed about all of this – I take extremely good care of my teeth (I have an electric toothbrush, an electric gum-massager, and I floss twice a day) yet for some reason I still have an infection. It’s not fair. I’m sitting here now with a Perio-Chip inserted inside my gum (a painful process, I can tell you) and I’ve also been issued with a set of strange tiny, tiny, tiny brushes which I must use to scour the pocket in my gum in order to remove any infection. I’ve also bought a high-pressure jet-wash which I can use to blast any residue from said pocket because otherwise, the bone will recede and the tooth (along with its nearest neighbours) will drop out. Oh, it’s so tiresome growing old!

On top of this, I worry constantly about my fish. Are they happy? (unlikely). Are they healthy? (who knows?) What do they think about all this rain we are having? (their brightly-lit tank was always so secure and protected). Those fish loved me and trusted me, and now I feel that I have betrayed them. How can I possibly go to Buddhism feeling like this? Well, last night I didn’t go because of the aforesaid committee meeting, so I didn’t have time or opportunity to worry about my spiritual stability. We are told that it is the intention of our deeds upon which we need to focus – surely, my intention was not to harm Mr Fishy and his cohorts, so surely, I can be exonerated from breaking the first of what Sangharakshita calls the ‘Ten Pillars of Buddhism’? I hope so because if not, there’s no hope for me. No hope at all.

So, for seven whole days I will be forcibly on the wagon. This can only be good for me – I’ve been bleating on (above) about having a change of scenery, and so indeed I shall. The best way to avoid drink is to avoid the pub, and so for the next week I shall be running in the opposite direction from Broad Street, and a whole lot better I’ll feel for that too. Hurrah!