Once More Unto The Breach!

I saw a sign outside a newsagent’s shop recently which read: “Stalker Wanted To Kill Barrister” and I misread it because of the way the words were set out on the sign - I thought it meant: “Stalker Wanted, To Kill Barrister” as if it were an advertisement in the Situations Vacant column. This offered me one of those stupid laughing fits which sometimes take a grip and which cause one to lapse into uncontrollable giggles long after the actual event has ceased to be funny. I was still laughing when I arrived at the Buddhist centre.

Of course, this reminded me that newspaper editors often use a little trompe d’oeil to fool us into thinking an article will be more interesting than it is. I remember reading years ago that “Vicar Raps Parish Councillor” and thought it would be a tale of sexual misdemeanour amongst leafy village life. I think such headlines are deliberately misleading, for whenever does anyone say they have ‘rapped’ someone in a remonstrative situation? It’s more likely that they’d say they had ‘chewed the balls off’ someone, isn’t it? Mind you, "Vicar Chews Balls Off Parish Councillor" might be similarly misleading, so perhaps these editors are right after all. However, I saw a headline yesterday that read: “Inherit £2 million tax-free under the Tories” which made me think, well, there’s a party worth voting for - as it stands, I doubt if I’ll inherit more than tuppence ha’penny from my parents, so this has to be an improvement.

I’m performing a small piece of mine at Nottingham’s Royal Concert Hall next week. It was supposed to be just a reading of a short story I’d written (or so I thought) but I’ve been given some coaching by a well-known theatre director and it has now been transformed into a piece of drama. Instead of simply reading in my monotone voice, as I’d planned, I will now have to act. I’m a bit apprehensive about this because I’m not much of an actor really, and this will be in front of a paying audience too. Do you think this will qualify me for an equity card? The rehearsals were really tough work – and now I have to practice like mad to get it right for the night.

Okay: “My fate cries out...”