Lazy, idle good-for-nothings.

I am currently knee-deep in paperwork. One of the downsides of working for a living (ed: just one?) is that there's so little time to deal with administrative matters. I used to be a very good administrator – I was always up to date with everything that the poor Postie could throw at me. But now, there are bills unpaid; letters unanswered; invitations un-rsvp'd; all sorts of detritus is lying around my apartment screaming "Look at me! Look at me! Deal with me first!" Well, I say this to you paperwork: Get a life and deal with yourself. That's the trouble with paperwork – it has no self-motivation; no get-up-and-go. Paperwork is totally and utterly bone-idle and just sits there, passively, expecting me to sort it all out. Hmm, I think I need a sorcerer's apprentice. Or Mary Poppins, perhaps.

And another thing – meatballs aren't all they're cracked up to be either. I can't remember if I've ever eaten them before. If I have, then I've never cooked them, that's for sure. I bought some recently from Asda (other supermarkets are available), because I've been intrigued about them ever since I was a child and I used to hear that ridiculous song on the radio (a parody of "On Top of Old Smokey") in which the lyrics went:

"On top of spaghetti
All covered with cheese
I lost my poor meatball
When somebody sneezed."

I never quite understood this. Even growing up – as I did - in poverty in the backstreets of Naples, I'd never eaten a meatball, nor could I envisage what they looked like. So when I saw them on sale in the supermarket, I bought a packet. Not having a clue what to do with them, I boiled them in a tomato and onion sauce (suitably seasoned, lashing of garlic etc.) and ladled them onto a heap of salted pasta. Well, what a disappointment. The sauce and the pasta were both scrumptious, but the meatballs were like marbles of tasteless stodge. I'm not sure what went wrong there, but I wondered if perhaps they were the wrong size. Can you get different sized meatballs? Anyway, tomorrow it's back to the fish pie. Much safer.

I hear that Nick Clegg is calling for a "different kind of politics" to save Britain. What's that, then? Politics where the self-interest of the politicians takes second place? He's having a larf, he is.

I'll vote for anyone that bans paperwork and meatballs, I will. Where's that party then?