Ciao Bello!

Well - the Italians, eh? They're a funny bunch, arent they? I've been all over the place in my time but strangely, I'd never been to Italy until I went there last week for a skiing trip. Of course, I've met a lot of Italians along the way – indeed, a close friend of mine is half Italian – but I've never before been amongst them in such numbers. They don't half gabble on. They wore my ears out, I can tell you.

I've had a fabulous week of skiing – the conditions in Sestriere were just absolutely perfect. There was an unbelievable amount of snow, making for an easy time down the pistes – but it had all fallen before we arrived and so we had totally clear skies and a blistering golden sun, every single day! I did some really energetic and challenging skiing – I even did the World Cup Giant Slalom run (featured on BBC's Ski Sunday last week) from top to bottom. Great fun, even if my legs did feel about to buckle like crumpled paper by the end.

However, I was amazed by the Italians' seeming inability to remain silent for longer than even a millisecond. I sat on a chair lift from Borgata up to the top of Banchetta (8,400 feet above sea level) with two young women who talked continually at each other at exactly the same time (ed: not good listeners, then?). It was like listening to an opera where two opposing voices sing against each other – the fact that they babbled at the pitch of sopranos made it all the more amusing and entertaining. Another couple I shared a chair lift with talked incessantly and at speed to each other, except for the few minutes when they simultaneously got out their mobile phones and inflicted their yelling flow of words onto someone else. I half suspected that they had phoned each other because they both ended their diatribe with an enthusiastic 'Ciao!' at exactly the same time, before launching their vociferous attack on each other once more.

So, my cunning plan to get my own back is to learn Italian before I return to the country in June for my nephew's wedding. I shall also be taking with me a supply of oxygen so that I don't need to draw breath, and then I can direct an uninterrupted stream of babble at everyone I meet. I can't wait. The Italians are lovely, fun-loving and generous people; but they're people who simply talk too much, and too loudly. So, if you can't beat 'em – join 'em! Grazie mille!