Doing Something Dreadful, or Away With The Fairies?

Life's a funny thing – I've recently been trying to think really, really positive things about my life because anyone who has read 'The Secret' will tell you that thinking negatively only brings negative things into your life. Hmm, well, I don't think that this old Universe fella has been listening to me at all because I have had one hell of a load of shit in recent days. Amongst other tortuous events, this also concerns matters of the heart (strangely enough). Now, I know what you're going to say – how does an old codger like me end up with luuurve problems at my age? You might well ask – it's ridiculously undignified I know, but sometimes even we wrinklies get the odd flutter of emotion that causes us to abandon all caution, and so we continue to hope that something that shouldn't really be on offer to us, might still be.

I had an extraordinary time the other night. I took this drug mephedrone – the one that's in all the news because it's about to get banned because it kills everybody who takes it. Sometimes known as 'Meow Meow' or some such ridiculous name, I only took it because it wouldn't be breaking the law to do so, and therefore I can. I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. Well, let me tell you that I can now see what all the fuss is about – it's very pleasant. Very pleasant indeed. I had the impression that it was something like what I would call a 'light' drug – a bit like 'mild' cigarettes were meant to be when the whole tar & nicotine issue raised its ugly head in the 1970s.

You won't need me to inform you that it has been in the news recently following the awful death of two teenage boys in Lincolnshire who had taken it. The media hounds are of course out in force, baying for blood, and the Government is responding in its usual knee-jerk reactionary way – more so because there is election fever about, I suspect. Anyway, I decided to give it a go because I felt sure that there must be many, many thousands of happy customers who – unlike the tragic boys – had lived to tell the tale.

At first, I felt nothing except a slight burning sensation in my nose. Then, as I lay back on the sofa and put my feet up on the coffee table, relaxing into a comfortable recumbent position, it occurred to me how much I loved my strange little friend Tom. “You OK?” he asked. “I am absolutely fine,” I replied, smiling widely. “I really love you.” “It’s working then,” he replied sardonically. A few minutes later, we were both sitting round in a euphoric haze, smiling benignly but with an incomprehensible, overwhelming desire to dance. It was nearly impossible to keep still. However, even under this sort of debauched influence, I can still retain a shred of dignity from somewhere, and so I resisted the urge to dance, thankfully (because, in the words of Robbie Williams, "I dance like me dad").

I suppose that I ought to tell you that it was a horrible experience, and that you must never do it yourself, but I can't do that. I am not advocating that you should take drug use lightly. There are many devastating implications of illicit drug use – I have had friends whose lives have been completely ruined by such excesses. And as for myself, I wouldn't want you to think that I can only have a good night because I’ve taken something to make me feel as though I am enjoying myself. It would be better to think that 'm having a good night because I'm genuinely enjoying myself.

That notwithstanding, I had a lovely time - but it is inevitable that this 'drug' (for it is not yet known as such) will be banned soon. The sad fact is though, that it is only a matter of time before another 'legal' substance pops up on the market, and the same problems will be created all over again. And despite that it is still legal, and I could therefore take it again (for the time being), I won't do it. I had an amazingly pleasant experience and hey, there was a bonus - I didn't die! But the thing is, I cannot deny that I was still out of control while I was under the influence, and being out of control can never, ever, be a good thing.

Now, to get back to my miserable life.....