Goodbye Cruel World

There's nothing to report today. Well, there is this: The world, as we know it, is about to end. Actually, that's a bit of an unnecessary claim – it's not just the world as we know it, it's the world in total. It's all about the LHC in Switzerland – the machine. It's the machine that is causing these earthquakes and volcanoes ,you see. And the volcano in Iceland is bringing about more chaos than you can imagine. We shall very soon run out of food (this country has been unable to sustain itself for years), and then there will be rioting in the streets. Rioting in the hills, and on the beaches.

After that, we will all go completely stir crazy because we will suddenly realize that we're absolutely trapped on an island (and it will be crazier than 'Lost', believe me) and that's the point when we all start to eat each other. Meanwhile, the poor Kenyan farmers – unable to export their beans to the UK – will start burning their land, thereby causing a total breakdown of African political relationships and the entire continent will explode into civil war.

And then, at about this time, the financial markets will totally collapse because nobody will be able to fly into London to do their special deals, and there'll be no money for us to withdraw from the cashpoints. Even if there were food to buy, we couldn't afford it. Next, the European nations will remember that we are - after all, - an island, and from this will spring their age-old hatred of us and they will inexplicably declare war on Britain, en masse. Stormtroopers will storm (as is their wont) through the Chunnel, and the Queen will be imprisoned and replaced by Carla Bruni, coincidentally reconciled with her errant husband Nicolas, soon to be declared Emperor of Europe. But it won't last of course. The Chinese government – still able to fly – will send over its generals to crush the New Empire and turn the citizens of Europe into vassals of the Mongol tyranny.

Then Iran, jealous of the Chinese dominance, and fearful of the crushing of Islam, will launch a nuclear attack on everyone else in the world and so, we all (some of us still shackled in our new slavery) are doomed.

This isn't fiction, this is fact. You read it here first.