Look Out!

I’m worried. We are being threatened and no, it’s not the Iranians or the Ruskies or even the Croatian football team that could be endangering our Nation’s very existence. It’s the humble jellyfish. Well actually, there’s nothing humble about them at all from what I read - they’re evil killers. I saw this headline in the newspaper:

“More than 100,000 salmon worth over £1m have been killed in a freak jellyfish attack.”

The vast invasion happened off the County Antrim coast in Northern Ireland and apparently, the ferocious attack lasted for nearly seven hours with the jellyfish covering a sea area of up to 10 square miles and 35ft deep.

Why would they do this? Had someone alerted the Jellyfish President that salmon are really the spawn of the devil and therefore must all die like infidels? Did someone in the Council of United Jellyfish decide that the continued existence of the salmon is a threat to the values and way of life of all marine invertebrates, and that they must therefore be eradicated before that way of life is undermined? Well, what I'd like to ask is this: What about the values and way of life of our own dear Sovereign Queen? For yes it is true - the newspaper article referred to the fact the Queen had salmon on her 80th birthday, cooked by a top Irish chef. There's the nub of it - do these jellyfish want to deprive an old lady of her dinner?

My real concern, of course, is that they won’t stop there. Buoyed up by their recent successes against the salmon off the Irish coast, what’s to stop these jellyfish fellahs from thinking that they can now advance further and attack us too? These billions of creatures (known curiously enough as ‘Mauve Stingers’ – which sounds a bit like a 1960s pop group if you ask me), with their billions of evil brains, might well have their collective eye on our very own treasured and sceptred Isle itself.

We must prepare ourselves. We shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender!

Failing that, we could just nuke them.