Tee hee!

I witnessed a rather amusing incident the other night. I was out on the town in Southampton, drinking with my daughter and some of her friends – nothing too extreme, just a few glasses of wine and a lively chat. The bar we were drinking in was about to close so I volunteered to nip across the road to find out if the bar there was staying open longer. Unfortunately, upon approaching the Crombie-clad doorman, I tripped on a dodgy pavement and slightly stumbled. Honestly guv, I wasn’t drunk (well, not much); it was a genuine stumble.

“You can’t come in here, you’re too drunk mate.”

“No I’m not. It was the pavement – look.”

“And I say you’re too drunk – go home.” He sounded menacing now. The more I protested, the more aggressive he became.

Luckily, I was then joined by my daughter and her friends. I told them what had happened. One of the party (female) then poked the doorman in his (rather full) belly and said: “What criteria are you using to make this judgement? Are you trained in alcohol assessment?” He demurred that he was not. “So, you are not qualified to make valued judgements of this sort?” she asserted.

“He seems drunk to me,” the doorman said, somewhat defensively.

“Have you been cleared for this sort of thing?” she asked, staring him directly in the eye. “Have you been checked?” He looked rather confused by this but admitted that no, he hadn’t been checked. My Defence Council then went for the jugular. “Which prisons have you been in?” she asked.

This rather took him aback, but he began to list the specific establishments of Her Majesty that he’d been a temporary resident of. “But I’m clean now,” he said meekly. “I’ve been clean for three years.”

“Hmm,” she said, still staring at him. “I think you’d better let us in, don’t you? All of us.”

“Of course, of course.” He opened the door for us and waved us in. “Have a nice evening.”

So you see, it is possible to prick the aggression of these people, and it was so funny to see that man turn from a confident bully into a humble confessor. How very strange night life can be sometimes.