So long, farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, adieu!

Well, you'll probably never read this entry because by the time I get it posted to the interweb, we'll all have been brought to our knees by Swine Flu and hence we will be dying in our millions. Oh well, it was nice knowing you all, and it's a pity it had to end this way. I rather thought that I'd be killed off by something a bit more dramatic than by something as boring as the flu. In the 1970s there was a TV drama series called 'The Survivors' which was remade a couple of years back (I think it was called 'The Survivors' this time around too). As you probably know, it concerned the plight of the few miserable wretches who had managed to survive a savage and virulent pandemic that had swept throughout the world, transported by the prevalence of air travel. I have to say, life after the collapse of civilization is less appealing to me than, well - eating a pig's head for example, so if there is to be a pandemic, I hope it gets me first.

However, as you may know, the trespassing of old age is a matter of some concern for me. Strangely, I learnt this evening that the advance of Swine Flu is more likely to attack healthy people under the age of forty-five rather than us oldies. Hurrah! For once, my creeping maturity will save me. But then again, as I've said above, I don't want to be one of only a few people left – even less so if all I have for company is a few geriatrics, peeing in their pants. Oh well, I don't have much in the way of a pension anyway, so perhaps it's all for the best.

Talk about bad timing though – we've only just managed to land ourselves the first black president of the USA (well okay, it wasn't we who voted for him actually, but you know what I mean); and finally we're pulling British forces out of Iraq (not a moment too soon); then Forest eventually manage to avoid relegation at the eleventh hour; and I've only just got my hair to be exactly the colour I wanted – and then wham! It's all over. I knew it was a waste of time giving up smoking. Mind you, there are some consolations – at least we won't live long enough to suffer the ignominy of achieving "null points" in next month's Eurovision Song Contest. There, doesn't that make you feel better?

Right – I'm off to open that bottle of champagne that I've been saving for a special occasion. No point in hanging on any longer...

Goodnight, cruel world!