Whither peace?

One thing you can be sure of is that I’m trying to self-destruct. I’ve got myself into a hopeless spiral of such unparalleled debauchery that even Dante would be shocked. Even I’m shocked. It’s all about loneliness I suppose – this is such a weird planet to be living on and none of us can ever hope, it seems, for peace. One of the most chilling pieces of dialogue to be spoken in a film was when the old woman revealed to Donnie Darko that “Every living creature dies alone.” It might be a bit trite, but by god, it’s true. We’re always alone; all of us.

I don’t believe in god, but if there were one then he’d be a right bastard. What sort of sadist would put us on a planet and let us struggle and fight our way through quagmires of misery like this? We try to understand our existence and we try to seek truth, but it’s impossible. All we can ever hope for is a lifetime of misunderstanding and shattered dreams. Even the most secure of us is still alone; still screaming into the void of despair and still bewildered. There are no answers to any of this; we are all just torturing ourselves with desperation and doubt.

I had an accident the other night and my teeth are loosened now (I went to the dentist to have this confirmed in case it was just part of my neurosis). My face is battered and swollen and my lips are bloodied and split. And do you know what? I don’t care.

I’m looking for something in this mad stupid vortex I claim to call my life. It can’t be found.